I was meant to post about this the other night, but suffered a lapse in memory when I did end up writing.

I’m having a little trouble deciding on my future.

It has been a fair while since I withdrew from classes mid year, and I’m still unsure how I should approach my life, and my career.

Do I focus on financial assurance, or chase my passion?

I have always wanted to be involved in the games industry, doing level design, animation or just concept art. This was a childhood dream, but now, something has changed. I want to further my art work, but not to the mandate of Company X.

Painting has shown me self-expression - expression is something that I’ve been avid in doing since I formed my own identity (you know, what everyone does during their teens).

Why can’t I do both?

I can’t… In 2007, while I was studying full-time, I did not paint a single thing (if my memory serves me correctly - if I did paint something, it wouldn’t have been completed until now). I neither had the time, motivation, or want to do so. School left me drained, creatively and physically.

That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy TAFE. I loved it, it was great.

But here I am, now, contemplating a serious move to being a ‘professional artist’.

The downsides? A lack of money, people calling me a slacker.

The upside? Self-expression, freedom.

I don’t know… It feels like a conundrum.

Thursday was mum’s graduation (an Art Degree), and unfortunately she could only invite two people - so naturally she invited dad and I.

Due to a faulty wrist-watch, we arrived a little late to the graduation ceremony. It seems dad’s watch was running slow, so while we thought that we had plenty of time, we actually didn’t.

I think the venue was called the Dallas Brooks House, basically it was a large auditorium with three tiers (or levels) and it must have been two-thirds packed. The reason being because it was not only the class graduation, but graduation for students from completely different fields.

Along with the art class, there were hospitality students, builders, social workers and so forth - the ground floor mostly seated students.

The ceremony had some speakers, then the degrees were handed out to the students. I was so proud of mum, and if I had not been taking a picture of her receiving the award, I would’ve whooped as loud as possible!

The ceremony itself took around an hour and a half, and afterwards we all went to the ground floor for finger food.

The scene was chaotic, it seemed everyone got out of all three levels at the same time - it was shoulder to shoulder. I didn’t like that at all.

Overall though, it was good. Dad and I were there to support mum, and I don’t think we did a bad job of it. Mum looked the part in her graduation gown, and degree in hand.

Good on you, mum! Congratulations. =)

Yesterday I officially withdrew from my course at NMIT.

It was a hard decision to make, and one I did not take lightly. I’m absolutely gutted that I won’t be completing my course this year, but it was either withdrawing, or becoming ill.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal issues, some of which I’ve made public on this blog, but also a lot that I haven’t really spoken much about. I am at a stage where I can see myself going completely backwards (to the state I was in pre-VCAL), so above all, I have to focus on getting better.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to continue my course next year with a little rest and relaxation. But for now, I’m going to concentrate on my painting and building some sort of digital portfolio.

So I’m writing this because I’m unable to fall asleep, and because there’s a lot on my mind of late.

TAFE… Well, that’s a constant issue, isn’t it? I have lost so much of my motivation that I’m seriously contemplating withdrawing for this year, and then maybe trying again next year. I’ve let myself get so behind. I feel incredibly intimidated even just setting foot on campus.

My personal life. Ha! That’s coming along just dandy… I used the word “dandy” so I’m obviously not being honest. To be honest, I would say that my personal life makes my chest tighten, and my head throb.

I honestly can not find any respite at the moment. Everywhere I go there’s a fucking issue that comes up and absolutely does my head in.

So I’m forced to sleep over 12 hours a day… Okay, maybe not forced, but that’s what I’m doing. I struggle to get out of bed even to just grab something to eat or drink. It’s funny I say that while I’m currently out of bed, on the computer. What a fucking contradiction!

And I think I’m sabotaging one of the best relationships I have. I can see this, yet I can’t stop myself. *shakes head* I’m ready to use more explicit language.

Another day goes by and I don’t attend TAFE…

I’ve made this problem into a monster, you see. One that I seemingly can’t defeat, or can I? After all, it’s a by-product of my fear, so surely it’s as easy to defeat with a solemn will?

If only it were that easy.. If only it were so easy to get out of bed, rather than roll over and go back to sleep. I’d rather hide from the day than face.

Lisa asked me today if I had been thinking of hurting myself, and yes, I have been thinking along those lines. I have wanted to hurt myself so that at least, albeit superficially, I can cope with the stress I’ve put on myself. And I am struggling.. I’m struggling with TAFE and I’m struggling with life.

It’s been a while since I have posted, so I thought I’d try and get myself back into the habit of posting regularly.

It’s weird though, I hadn’t realised how long it had been since I did post. Time, at the moment, is flying by with little realisation on my part. To say that I have no concept of time (at the moment) is a gross understatement.

I’ve been trying to catch up in regards to TAFE, doing bits of work here and there, and trying to catch up with teachers and the TAFE counsellor.

If I get through this year academically, it’ll be amazing, stupendous even!

At the moment I just feel tired, and drained.

Hopefully I can make things work out by keeping at it.

This weekend just passed, Lisa and I went up to Anthony and Nicole’s for a get together. We drank (except Lisa), and played Wii - which in my opinion, has the coolest gimmick ever. Yes, Sony might have motion control too. But nothing beats playing boxing on the Wii, ducking and weaving while throwing punches with the controller.

Fantastic stuff.

Personally though, I wouldn’t buy a Wii - while it’s fun, I don’t think it caters for the hardcore gamer, but rather the casual gamer.

This morning, I just felt so incredibly crap which led me to having a small breakdown. I feel lost and depressed, I have no idea what to do about my situation and my life. I know I should be attending TAFE, but the thought scares me silly.

Any sort of the future, or even the present, makes my eyes well up - I have no idea why I’m feeling so crap, and no idea of stopping it.

When my PS3 was hooked up to the interwebz, I managed to download some demos of upcoming games (and some already released) to try out. Among them was the new “Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction”.

I enjoyed the first game on the PS2 immensely, while I never got around to playing the sequels, I thought I’d have a look at their next generation outing.

The story, from what I sampled, seems a lot like the original - invaders are attacking your city. The invaders this time around are mutant goldfish with robotic bodies. It’s quite amusing that when you attack them, their bowl heads split open, and what’s left is a cowering mutant goldfish waiting to be exterminated.

It turned out to be quite an enjoyable demo, so I may look into purchasing the sequels and “Tools of Destruction”.

I also tried out the upcoming Simpsons game, not a bad title at all - it’s strong point? Cel shaded graphics that make it look like the TV series.

I also spoke to Marin (from TAFE) about my attendance and general lack of wanting to show up. He told me to take these two weeks to relax and not think about it, then when TAFE starts again, we can look at my options.

I think that Lisa was right. Whatever spurred my depression during the second half of last year, has carried on into this year - and I’m letting myself slip into more of a stupor, and letting my work be affected.

This has to change.

“I’m a cop! Respect my authoritai!”

That’s all I heard in class today. We were doing animations, lip syncing to be exact, and the only sound file that would work was Cartman’s outburst about being a cop. It brought back memories. Aw.

Overall, class was good. I really enjoy my 3D classes, and Terry (my 3Ds Max teacher) seems like an awesome teacher.

At the end of class, I made my way out of the room and straight into the toilet… Entering the stall I noticed a sanitary items bin. Odd, I thought. Midstream (you know what I mean) the thought occurred to me - “what if I’m in the ladies toilets?”

I was.

Thankfully there was no one else in there, nor was I sprung.

This year could have started a little better, for me it begun with uncertainty in regards to my education.

And now there is still that uncertainty… I have missed out on two weeks of TAFE, partly because of having three teeth extracted, but mainly because of my own disposition. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of going back to TAFE, which is odd, because I was loving it. But now… I don’t know.

I can’t sleep because I’m stressing, I stress because I can’t sleep. There’s a touch of irony there.

I’m frustrated, sad and overwhelmed over something that is truly minuscule.